Gotta Serve Somebody

Well it may be the Devil, or it may be the Lord – but you’re gonna have to serve somebody ( serve somebody).

Bob Dylan – ‘Gotta Serve Somebody’ lyric from his 1979 album: Slow Train Coming.

In a culture where greed and the desire to have, to get, is pre-eminent the idea of service is not an attractive one to all that many. Serving for the greater (or individual) good is a concept that has to contend with increasing numbers who have become indoctrinated with self-needs and wants. Today the trend seems to be: what can i get for myself? more than what can i give to others?

People want their governments to give them things in return for their (reducing) taxes while not realising that as populations increase ( especially the elderly population) the costs of government services have to increase, even though their total income may not.

The media does little by way of intelligently informing their readership but prefers instead to highlight the fears that leads to a ‘greed’ society – to a moving away from a selfless life and ever more towards a selfish one. Because fear sells more than does contentment or benevolence.

In Australia today it is an undeniable fact that the majority of us are financially better off than we were under the previous Liberal govenrment – the average wage is higher, unemployment is lower, mortgage rates are lower, home ownership is higher, education is better, our living standard is one of, if not the best, in the world today and yet..

The vast majority of Australians despise our government, believe they are worse off than they ever were and see largely only negatives about their society in general.

Virtually all of that sentiment is down to the mass media who seek nothing but their own survival and profits, in a world that is beginning to learn it can well do without them.

But i digress.

Service: simply put: the giving of something of yourself to the benefit of another.

Actually this is not strictly true. Benefitting others is the purpose, but those who do it best know that they get as much, if not far more, from serving others as the others get from us serving them.

It is a selfless act that gives outwardly to those we see in need, while giving back inwardly something of greater value to us than simply our time, our labour or our money.

We give (from the heart) outwardly and in return are filled inwardly, with love, compassion, joy, self-esteem, tolerance,  understanding. Things money can not buy and that contribute greatly to our fulfilment and contentment.

In giving to others we give to the community we live in and so ultimately we improve our community and in doing so improve our own selves, directly and indirectly.

While each of us is a different individual with differing skills, abilities, talents and gifts, we can all give service of one kind or another. It takes but a moment to look around you and see those who are worse off than you in some aspect and but a few moments more of sincere searching for ways in which you are best qualified to help.

Sometimes it is as simple as helping out with a local school, sport or church activity; Perhaps enquiring at a nearby volunteer centre what is needed in your region; those who can afford it may prefer making a donation, be it money, time or of goods.

It can be as simple as being a friend to a neighbour who has few or none at all. Or you can establish your own foundation to help out a disadvantaged part of your society – or one in another country for that matter.

Service is it’s own reward, but only those who experience it will get it.

Can there be any greater service one can give to another than Service to God? – personally, i believe no, there is not.

.

You may be an ambassador to England or France
You may like to gamble, you might like to dance
You may be the heavyweight champion of the world
You may be a socialite with a long string of pearls

But you’re gonna have to serve somebody, yes indeed
You’re gonna have to serve somebody
Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord
But you’re gonna have to serve somebody

You might be a rock n’ roll addict, prancin’ on the stage
You might have drugs at your command, women in a cage
You may be a business man or some high degree thief
They may call you doctor or they may call you chief

But you’re gonna have to serve somebody, yes you’re
You’re gonna have to serve somebody
Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord
But you’re gonna have to serve somebody

You may be a state trooper, you might be a young turk
You may be the head of some big TV network
You may be rich or poor, you may be blind or lame
You may be livin’ in another country under another name

But you’re gonna have to serve somebody, yes you’re
You’re gonna have to serve somebody
Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord
But you’re gonna have to serve somebody

You may be a construction worker workin’ on a home
You might be livin’ in a mansion, you might live in a dome
You might own guns and you might even own tanks
You might be somebody’s landlord, you might even own banks

But you’re gonna have to serve somebody
Yes you’re gonna have to serve somebody
Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord
But you’re gonna have to serve somebody

You may be a preacher with your spiritual pride
You may be a city councilman takin’ bribes on the side
You may be workin’ in a barbershop, you may know how to cut hair
You may be somebody’s mistress, may be somebody’s heir

But you’re gonna have to serve somebody
Yes you’re gonna have to serve somebody
Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord
But you’re gonna have to serve somebody

Might like to wear cotton, might like to wear silk
Might like to drink whiskey, might like to drink milk
You might like to eat caviar, you might like to eat bread
You may be sleepin’ on the floor, sleepin’ in a king-sized bed

But you’re gonna have to serve somebody, yes indeed
You’re gonna have to serve somebody
Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord
But you’re gonna have to serve somebody

You may call me Terry, you may call me Timmy
You may call me Bobby, you may call me Zimmy
You may call me R.J., you may call me Ray
You may call me anything, no matter what you say

You’re still gonna have to serve somebody
Yes you’re gonna have to serve somebody
Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord
But you’re gonna have to serve somebody

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20 Comments

  1. Blessings from Kansas to you brother. Nicely worded, great concept and nicely said.

    God bless!

    Reply
  2. Coming from someone i admire greatly for their spirituality and actions that is high praise indeed. 🙂

    WE both know that the Glory is His and His alone, but it still feels nice to have the inspiration and our efforts acknowledged from time to time – so long as we don’t let it go to our heads 😉

    I’m confident you can remind me if you see signs of it in my writings!

    Bless you both.

    Reply
  3. Just returned from Amy’s first speaking engagement brother. There was about 40 teens there, her testimony touched the hearts of many. At the end we had a few minutes to spare to answer any questions they had. They bombarded her brother, you should of seen the smile on her face, priceless. You said it very well, SERVICE! Thank you for all of the prayers you sent up to the Father who sees all things. You are a blessing and we are praying for you as well.

    God bless you my friend from afar!

    Reply
    • Very pleasing news Brother.

      Might a post on the event be in order? 🙂

      Reply
      • Blessings brother,

        I do believe so, let me see what I can do about that. Hope your day is going well and the Lord is smiling upon you and yours.

        God bless!

  4. Yes, the lord …would be so proud. Apologies.

    Words.

    Actions.

    Pain.

    Reality.

    Why? Preach to me. Tell me why you and Amy can inspire others but instill wrath (a sin if I recall correctly) on others? At least tell someone what the wrath is for. What can be fixed if we do not know what is broken?

    Reply
    • I have to confess AAB, many of your comments leave me totally baffled – it is as if English is your second language or something?

      What do you know of Amy? Why would you imply she can instil wrath in ‘others’ – what others? Same for me… what wrath do you believe/think/feel i have instilled – and please realise that Wrath – the sin – is a personal thing – it belongs only to the person holding it. I might have wrath ( i have definitely been guilty of the sin in my past) but i can’t instill it in any other – it is mine and mine alone – i have to deal with it, not because it is wrong to be angry with another, but because it is wrong for me to let my wrath turn my face away from God’s Will.

      I can and do seek forgiveness when something i have done intentionally has caused harm to another but someone taking offence from something i have said/written is often likely to be their misunderstanding, misconception and i have no need to apologise for the mistake someone else makes.

      Of you are going to accuse someone of something could you at least give the evidence so that any misunderstandings can be resolved more easily? As you say – what can be fixed if we are unsure of what is ‘broken’?

      Please note also: there is a significant difference between Wrath and anger as i see them. A person may have just cause to be angry (although we are to be slow to anger according to the Bible/Jesus) Humans can have no just cause for Wrath – a deadly sin.

      Reply
      • Yea you cannot instill wrath. You can have it and it can be personified in actions.

        That better?

        BB?

      • better – best would be an example you seem to see in me somewhere? and in AMY??? still don’t get that – reading your comment you sound to me like you are accusing both Amy and myself of something – or are you ‘generalising’ and assuming as we are human we must have had wrath ‘on’ someone sometime?

  5. I assumed (forgive me) you were human as you produced words. So far aside from the sounds parrots make, mimicry, humans are the only species that are capable of language.

    How that language is used; that is all in our own hands (or mouths, or pens, or keyboards I guess)

    You digging the whole “brevity thing” (NAME THAT MOVIE QUOTE)? Aussies always do, I couldn’t understand 1/4 of what my BF down under was saying. He told me I was “uncor” WTF is that? Well now I know (ah Rory, what a gent. So tall and caring, had reddish hair but refused to be called a ginger. He was a chef. We were 19. We never had sex. He introduced me to his parents and bought me chocolates and made me a Jameraquoi CD – hey it was 2003, prior to the age of the iPod, I always wondered what would have become of us if I didn’t need to return to the States…. well not sense steeping in spoiled milk), but… anyway back to assuming etc. BB, if I may call you that?

    So, BB, how goes it. I reckon you are feeling a bit down. To remember that people still have hate, still use it to hurt others; it truly is a disgusting feeling. Remembering that, seeing the faces of those lost, of the survivors, of the families who lost.

    No we are not perfect. No one is my any means.

    There being human, and being inhumane.

    See the difference there? Subtle. A beauty of the English language really.

    Generalising? no, Wondering what you thought of my messages, if you thought anything at all or just discarded them. Discarding things? Is that one of your imperfections?

    I do not know if you have been following my blog as of late; it would be presumptuous of me to think you would be keen on knowing the inner workings of a tart. However, if you have been reading or have come across a recent post or two you have gathered I have taken upon a “challenge” a challenge of truth. Yes. I am being totally and utterly honest in answering the 30 questions I must answer each day. I must be held accountable for not only responding with grace but authentically and with integrity. This means I must post each day, my true feelings, the bolts of “truths” that come to me (some of which still amaze me are actually true!).

    It is interesting really.

    I have many, many, many flaws. Honesty, integrity and authenticity are not in that bowl of rotten tomatoes, wormy apples.

    You may find my faults on many of the posts.

    Am I accusing you BB? No, I am actively questioning you. So often you are easy to spout off apologies and take responsibility. For what I must ask myself? I mean, what ARE your flaws (except laziness 😉 you did admit to that one!)

    Jay Byrd

    Reply
  6. My Flaws? not enough time to name all so here’s a ‘Top Ten’:
    Hypocrisy – expecting others to do what i have not yet. (working on that).
    Lack of Commitment to my Faith (definitely working on that currently)
    Impatience – both with wanting to ‘begin’ straight away without doing the preliminary stuff beforehand and with the ‘stupidity/dumbness i see in others ( as well as myself) – praying for more patience.
    Only knowing romantic love – not unconditional Love. (praying big time on that one)
    Self-deception. – learning to recognise more and more, but much to learn.
    Conceit – praying for humility.
    Laziness – can work very hard when required (usually for others) but find difficulty in determining right motivation for my own ‘goals’.
    Self-doubt – getting better at this but many things/times i’ve tried i just ‘let it slide’ because not enough ‘belief’ (tied to Faith i guess).
    Sometimes insensitive to other’s feelings – i tend to think ‘differently’ to a lot of the people i know – not sure how to fix that one yet.
    Quick to use foul language – mostly at self or the TV. (Tricky one to master that!)

    Is that enough truth to be getting on with?

    i’m assuming by ‘uncor’ your Oz-ex meant unco-ordinated? a tendency to trip up or knock things over/drop stuff?

    By the bye – the Proverb actually goes: it’s no use crying over spilt milk – steeping (soaking) in spoiled milk is just uckky!

    As for actively questioning – i have one: how sober are you when you answer my comments?

    Reply
    • Wow, good… Self introspection.

      Hey I’m not allowed to try talking “accent” in my writing every so often? I enjoy it in person too but that doesn’t mean I’m good at it 🙂

      Your flaws… Are… I’m sorry to say,, really hard ones to work through. Mine are too. Communication (friggin ironice! That I write and getting ideas across verbally is my worst enemy) I think is one of my biggest flaws. And laziness and that I get super excited quickly and it dies quickly. I get bored and don’t have follow Through which always (mostly) affects others who are counting on me.

      Communication. So much of my intentions are lost. I was never taught it or “parented ” so I’ve been told by a few therapists and friends who grew up w me. That is, they taught me I had to learn life on my own which had its benefits but.. What does a 5 year old know about anythjng??

      Communication is the thing I have to learn in my own now and it’s really hard and I admit I’m not being as proactive as I could be.

      Drunk? The glass was half full not half empty when I wrote that 🙂 tipsy. 2 glasses of wine, usually doesn’t do much but… The whole lettuce (salad with like an oz of chicken) for dinner think messes it up.

      Hope I wasn’t offensive? How’d the “accent l go?

      How are you takif steps to rectify your flaws. I always hear – you need to work in yourself or I’m working on it. What does that mean? Like really. I’d live to know bc it’s so obscure and so… I dunno I fuss specific to an individual.

      I called landmark yesterday.

      I had a great chat w them. I asked what exactly do people hope to achieve here? Most participants are already in relationships, have good jobs, financially stable, etc. the type of people who HaVE succeeded for the most part already

      Except when you get to the nitty gritty are have problems In their relationships, Unsatisfied in work, or just unhappy/Unsatisfied in life. Are holding on to things that prevent them from being.. The best spouse, the most excited employee, the most drivin person, etc.

      That’s how I feel. I have always pushed mysel. (that’s folks for that I really appreciate it, I am my biggest motivation) but its not enough anymore. I kind of got to where I was working to be and I don’t know what is driving me anymore aside form just.. Not being destitute or making my mother worry,

      I have no family to come home to, to work hard to make not just my life but their lives better ( Execpt you mom 🙂 )

      I have a job where I can make, I can pave my own path to do what I want. And i know that but there is more to life (for some folks career becomes it all. Not me, I’m not like that) than getting “employees of the year”. I did my traveling, the checklist etc

      This lack of motivation is affecting my work, my whole life x I do it but it’s just going through the motions. Love does make you wanna be better bc ur not just doing it for just you anymore (again thanks mom!).

      I dunno just wanna figure out how to get tbat drive back. If like the many on my blog say I will never marry or have kids I need to find another outlet or.. The next 30 years will be “motions” not ” life”.

      We’ll see. I’m on the “procrastinators special”
      For august forum (Im going back east June, half marathon in July). We’ll see. It helped my dad immensly. I can only get so much through osmosis and I wish I was more into the. God thing. He/ religion, community that comes w it works wonders as well. My heart is just not in it. I’m not a true believer which takes away from the … Beauty that comes from it

      See self sabotaging nlow. Should have responsed in car pool instead I’ll be 15 min late for work. I’m such as ass. Happy Saturday!

      Reply
    • Geez, I am on a roll of nonsense comments aren’t I. Again, blogging via app at 7am… I dunno what I was trying to say exactly.

      I know in my original post (the where you accused me of being drunk), I was trying to access what you thought about the hateful comments that have been posted to my blog. I don’t know if you follow my writings that much or pay attention (most don’t) much to what others say – comments section, I just wondered, if you had, what you thought.

      Like, I have been told that; “you must have done something really awful”, or “don’t listen to to people who say hateful things like that, don’t let them get to you, that is their intentions and they have no idea what they are talking about”, or “why do you think they are saying those things, have you dont anything to anyone that would cause them to act out to intentionally hurt you”.

      Those are some of the ideas that have been presented so far. I wanted to get your take.
      My opinion? I haven’t really had one for a while , didn’t really pay attention to the nature of it all. In case you can’t tell I relish in a debate, even if I am being torn to shreds through statements that are ideas, expressed as fact (ex. “you are” – just starting a sentence like that negates, in my mind, anything that it precludes. No one can know who or what I AM let alone a reader of my blog. “The whole purpose of your blog is to…”. again, says who? you? random – or as I have come to find out, not so random – person that I haven’t been around in months? who I never gave any reason to make the one of the two believe I was in any way.. whatever – “The purpose of..” it is an opinion, it is an interpretation, it is their story they chose to believe bc it suits their needs. Right? I mean, who can know the intention of someone, often even the person themselves doesn’t realize their intention for a long time or even ever. That makes, in my opinion, intention fairly irrelevant and serves to give a good take on the interpreters way of thinking. I infer that from those statements, projection, that they are the sort of people who live an “image- based” existence. Who do things for specific reasons which can be malicious in nature.)

      Those are just my thoughts and they are .. also irrelevant bc they are a projection of me.

      There is no one answer, I am just gathering a sampling, having a conversation through… view points.

      That was what I was trying to say there. Thank you again for really being so honest with your “flaws”.

      Yea, Uncor = uncoridinated as he explained. There were so much more that one i thought.. just took to a whole new level of language laziness.

      And BB, when I said “well not sense steeping in spoiled milk” – i meant it like that, I am familiar with the spilled milk phrase..It is gross and it sucks, thats what leaving Rory behind was, and there is no point in focusing on the bad we can’t change; hence steeping in spoiled mile.. it obviously is a metaphor I gotta work on 🙂

      Reply
  7. Hmmmmm.. i believe my first ever comment to you was: You have way too much time on your hands, or it’s equivalent? 😉 (<=== note WINK!!!)

    Did reply above to your question re the comments thing – said how i'd feel and that it is none of my business what others think of you – it's their business and possibly (but not really, any of) your 'business' also.. you are not here to please people, just God and yourself and if you rule out God then just please you.

    Of course, only truly selfish people just please themselves – right? and ignorant people, or people who are vindictive and/or angry try to upset others than themselves out of spite ( not a good thing!)

    Those who put serious thought into it recognise the value in doing things making actions that please others, as ultimately that will create more happiness, and some of that reflects back upon you ( no good deed goes unpunished – er unrewarded – that's it!)

    My advice? Be slow ( much slower) to take offence in what other people say for, like you confessed, they can be quite poor at clearly communicating what is in their heads and hearts. Be in doubt and when in doubt ASK – in as non-ofensive way as possible what they see to be angry about. You might then be able to communicate more clearly.

    Almost everyone has this difficulty and it is increased ten fold when you cannot see them while they are saying what they are saying as 90% of all communication between humans is NON-VERBAL.

    That's right – only about 9% of what we actually mean is in what we actually say.

    AS for God – don't sweat it too much! Many people will say finding God is the easiest thing in the world – you just ask Him to come into your life – and wait. Or it will just hit you when the time is right.

    I never found that to be true ( yet! – later who knows?) But i have long considered my 'options' and the consequences of those options, and it seems to be believing beats not believing.. so i do what i think wlil help me be 'more ready' when my time comes.

    I read about Christ and God in Scripture, i look for clues as to how to behave in a God-liked fashion and how to not behave in a fashion that God Hates (many of both in Old and New Testaments) I place more weighting on the things God is said to be or hate than those man does (not sure just how many of the 613 are 'man-made' versus God stated.)

    I pray to God and Jesus for guidance, strength, wisdom, love – the good stuff we all believe in, believers and non-believers alike.

    I try to catch myself doing the shitty human ego-based stuff, observe it so as to become more aware when i am doing it (out of long habit).

    These and others are what i mean when i say i'm 'working' on it. – trying to live as i believe (is right for me) and avoiding doing the 'wrong' things. (which i believe ALL stem from my own ego, pride, selfishness, false beliefs and my own sense of superiority over ALL things.)

    God rules over all – not my mind, my ego.

    By surrendering my will to be in alignment with His, i have a better chance of living a fulfilling life and have confidence my actions will be to the greater good than just my selfish good.

    It can be very distracting if i pay too much attention to the opinions and thoughts and words of other mere mortals like myself, making my path to God harder and harder to follow.

    Decide where your focus is best placed and don't let other's pull you astray from it.

    I want to focus my focus on Him with the Faith that He will better guide me than any other living thing can. 🙂

    God Bless.

    Reply
  8. Ha, yes, I do believe in your first comment on a post of mine had something to do with having too much time on my hands. Lovely back-handed compliment BTW.

    I admitted it may not be the amount of time I have but how I appropriate it that currently seems to be an issue. For example blogging at 6am instead of sleeping. Or at 7:30am instead of showering and not ending running to entire 3 mile total distance to work (my arms got jacked though from carrying my 20lb -err.. 10. … something kilo for you or 9…. something.. been while since I lived in Oz. lost my snap ability at conversion – sack while running. Trade-off.

    Or like now when I should be spending my first hour at work sorting through emails, making my checklist for the day etc. As you said, we are all flawed.

    Who do I am to please? Myself for sure. Number one. But again, as you said, often pleasing yourself forces you (at least for me when being true to myself) to please others. If I ONLY acted in my best interest I would be unsatisfied, full of remorse, guilt and apart from the human population. Love is fluid, it needs a channel to pass from one to another.
    Ironically, this weekend I faced a very; like eerily similar experience that had happened to me, except in this situation the roles were reversed. I was left with a moral dilemma. I was left with making a choice, accepting my limits and my boundaries.
    However, sometimes you HAVE TO make the call; WHEN is looking out for your own best interest outweighs that of others (as in my post from the 30 Days of Truth – I wish I never have to choose. Never updated that, never said what I chose in my dream, Why I thought it was the wrong choice and the emotion and concern I had about my decision the instant I awoke.

    I will say it here. You will be the first to know.

    This dream. I was with my family. All of us. Mom, dad, brother. The only people I can say I love and truly love me. three of the people that make up my limited family. They weer with me in California, in Tahoe. They have not expressed a desire to come see me. I have lived in California for nearly two years now and.. they .. don’t care I guess. Mom came for 36 hours after HER mother died “to get me”/runaway from what she didn’t want to face as she always does.

    I was happy. I was happy they were in this place I enjoyed and they were there to enjoy it with me. It was Early April. Warm enough for a nice hike through the still snow and ice patch covered trails, cool enough that “summer activities” like jet skiing etc were not appropriate.

    We were walking along a ravine. It was a wide trail. My mother and brother were “strollers”, always have been. Dad and I prancers. We were ahead of them, but only by a few feet.

    Below was a running stream. My dad began to walk dangerously close to the edge of the trail. II got nervous, thinking about the ice, I got this uncomfortable feeling of anxiety.

    The drop; 50 ft or so. The depth of the water. Unknown, the pace of the currents. unknown., the number of rocks below the surface unknown.

    I will remind you my father is 65 and had Alzheimer’s. He is quickly. so much more quickly than the first 4 years since his diagnosis, disappearing as the man I knew as my father, the man my mother knew as her husband; as a man at all.

    I still love him with all my heart.

    I walked closer to him, was about to ask if he would move in closer away from the edge when he just slipped. He lost his footing. He was going to fall.

    Instinctually I wrapped my hands around his torso. He is slim but not light. at 5’10 he weighed about 175-180lbs (again excuse the non-conversion). I could feel my mother and bro watching us from behind in utter shock and fear.
    Within a millisecond I realized my efforts to thwart the fall were in vain. His size and gravity working against me. So I had a moment, an instant, a microsecond to decide; do I let him go and definitely save myself; leave his fate in the hands of nature and a higher power, whatever it may be. Or I could go with him and attempt to save him. I knew I was a much stronger swimmer, I know how to maneuver the waters and fall better, I knew without his glasses he was practically blind. I knew he would not be a quick and resourceful reactionary in a “do or die” situation. I knew I filled all those gaps.
    I knew he was leaving. Physically present perhaps but REALLY, HE was leaving, HE was dying.
    What did I do?
    What you decide, what your mind and body decide in that millisecond.
    I did not let go.
    I gave into the fall.
    I remember it clearly. So clearly.
    The fall was long enough that I prepped us. Told him we had to straighten out bodies so we landed clean, feet first like a vertical dart. I took his glasses and held them in my hand, praying they would not crush in the waters by the velocity.
    Then I waited. A moment later our bodies pierced the waters. Thank God, it was deep, I thought, we had landed smoothly. What we would face when we made it back to the surface or this rumbling river, I had now idea.
    I woke up while we were still in the water, Kicking our way to the surface.
    INTENSE NO?
    When I awoke my first thoughts were of my mother. I questioned my “decision” (is it really a decision if it is instinct in its more pure and primal form?). I called my mother. I told her the dream.
    I asked; would you hate me? She didn’t get it. She said she would be upset. I clarified. Would you hate me for leaving you? For risking my life for someone… half gone. For knowing you could potentially lose both of us. WAS I BEING SELFISH FOR SACRIFICNG MYSELF?
    Again, she didn’t fully understand what I was asking (do you?). She responded calmly and simply. I would be SAD. I would definitely kill myself. If you ever die you know what I would do, I have said it 100 times. Yes, she had, had told me if I died in her lifetime she would take her own life (she has never said the same about my brother). I have often reminded her how SELFISH that was, that she needed to be there for my bro, that she had another child too. She never veered. Always insisted it didn’t matter, she could not live with losing me (FRIGGIN CRAZY!).
    OKAY. But would you resent me, be angry with me for making the choice, for essentially CHOOSING him over her. That was, for all intents and purposes, part of the decision. Risking my life for a man who was dying, instead of staying alive for myself as well as a women I would kill if I had died in my attempt. As well as leaving my brother orphaned and no doubt hella traumatized.
    She wouldn’t. She did not, she refused to consider the question. Fair enough. It was my dream, my moral dilemma.
    Do you think I made the right decision. I think I did not. I think It was selfish. I think it was symbolic (duh) of the fact am not ready to let “my father go”. But he is going anyway and nothing I can do, no ability to swim, no matter how adeptly I react in a life or death scenario; no matter if I would give half my dopamine transmitter, a piece of my amygdala to make up for the parts of his brain that cause him to lose himself from within.
    I CANNOT DO SHIT! So why? Why give my own life for someone I cannot save, give my life knowing the pain it would cause others? I am not ready to let him go.
    That’s the symbolism. What would the reality be? What do you think would be the “right” choice?
    I know this is a bit off topic. Maybe not.
    What I woke up feeling. It was not fear of death or loss, it was what my mother would think. It was me worrying what she would think.
    That is what you were saying; to not worry about what others think of me, no?
    I don’t know.
    This weekend changed me a lot. Changed how others must and rationally are justified in viewing me in a certain way. I am torn up inside. I am friggin confused as HELL.
    I need to sit on those feeling before I can … try and work them out with other (like this dream, it only took what, a month to be able to talk about it here, in print, share it with the world – BTW totally probably just gunna use this LONG DRAWN out comment as my follow up post).

    That’s it for now. Must work. Must not self-destruct. Must get coffee; it was a LOOONG weekend.
    Cheers mate.

    PS – this is… OK just asking. What is up with you never uppercasing the “I’s” in your posts. You harp about grammar but I is a proper noun and it is grammatically incorrect to not capitize it. Are you intentionally keeping it lowercase? As in “i” is not equal to the capitalization of the “G” that God is entitled to? Or am I just over-thinking yet again?

    Reply
  9. Re: PS first ( i usually get the easy stuff done first and the hard i leave til i have to – bad habit ( #11)
    You got that one spot on! A while back i first got on to the diminishing of the ‘i’ ( self) so as to help ‘clear the way’ ( for God) Since then i have successfully adopted the habit of using lower case i for ‘me’ in communication – also as a two finger typist it’s quicker to type than shifting case!

    You may just be the only one who has commented on it so that makes you some kind of ‘special’ – i guess?

    OK – dream and my thinking what other people think of you comment. ( and sad to hear about your Dad – mine died from inoperable brain tumour after his lung cancer spread to brain after radio/chemotherapy ) Mum is my only relative in this hemisphere i have some step-siblings in UK, only in contact with one)

    Seems you already have figured out/know about your dream. You know your feelings for your Dad, you know how your Mum feels about you living/dying. You just need to come to terms with your feelings/the facts as they are. Your dad is the way he is and you know the outcomes – you cannot change them by yourself. Your Mum is the way she is, you may not like or agree with it but it’s her choice, not yours. You made the choice/instinct in your dream – that is YOUR choice. If it stays your choice is up to you you are free to choose based upon what you know and feel – but don’t expect that every choice should be logical because the Truth is – many of the ones we make are not logical at all. would we live a better life if we only made logical choices? Hmm, that’s a tough one. Logic says ‘yes’ but we are more than just ‘logic’ and our logic is usually quite flawed in many things).

    I would say do not WORRY about anything – choose what and how to be ‘concerned’ over, consider carefully though instead of worry. Worry helps no-one and no-thing.

    I guess you have put yourself on the horns of a dilemma – ‘save’ your Dad or save your Mum, you cannot do both.

    The truth is you can do neither!

    Your dream misses out 2 things.. one the rest of the Dream – you both come up from out the water and you help your Dad swim to the shore and safety and you both LIVE – and so then does Mum. Happy ending all round.
    Two – ALL life ends here on earth – we can’t stop it and must learn to accept it you only get to choose How You live (and what nursing home to put your oldies into when the time comes) Your dad will die ( and part of Him already has, while your memory retains that part, for now), your Mum will die, quite possibly not of a time of her choosing, or yours, and even you (and bro) will die, hopefully not ‘before’ your times, whenever that time might be.

    You just get to chose how you spend the time you have – if you wish to, or like many you can just be a slave to feelings, emotions and circumstances and survive, not really live.

    If you waste time worrying about it you are not living it.

    Fair enough?

    Reply
    • Hey who cares

      You win. K. You all win.

      I’m losing my job. I’m losing my mind.

      My mother. I wanted to do good for her.

      She was my rock bc I don’t have shit as when you got nothing you got… ??

      And apparently according to this dream I don’t even care about her.

      Or me or any potential happiness I could have.

      I have this sense of entitlement for things I didn’t work for and simultaneously feel I don’t deserve what I have

      I don’t wanna die, I don’t want to live being me.

      I think… Elector shock is best. I’ll
      Forget. I’ll forget who I am. Any talents or anything interesting or “unique” may go with it but thats a fair enough price to pay?

      Who wants interesting when you can have easy?

      Reply
  10. ” I have this sense of entitlement for things I didn’t work for and simultaneously feel I don’t deserve what I have

    I don’t wanna die, I don’t want to live being me”

    Melodrama. I will not be sacked. I get a bit.. paranoid… im that area.

    I am just realizing it was one year ago I was being driven back up from SoCal, back to the “real world” after spending a few days whisked away in a fairly tale land after I was… after my last job came to a grinding hault.

    Those last days… in the sun. In the company of strangers, but fun loving, soaked in joy strangers, were some of the last days of joy I felt for a long time.

    That drive up HWY 1 (its like the Great Ocean Road of the US) was magnificent and tumultuous. I remember being torn inside, like my innards were at battle. The indefinable beauty my eyes feasted on and the road we crept up leading me back to a place I feared with every molecule of my body.

    That road led me away from the calm and into the storm. And what an incredible road it was.

    My mind conflicted. Feeling so close to God (as a person of non-religion this is extra grand) because when in the presence of nature so astounding, beauty so rich Richard Branson could not have a taste with all the money in the world. I feel God overwhelm me. Who else could have created this? HOW LUCKY AM I TO BE SEEING THIS???? WHO’S EYES HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO SEE THIS.

    To experience this? To touch it. To breathe the salty air, to feel the sand beneath by toes, to feel like a amoeba, a tiny plankton in the massive pacific ocean before me. Who? I was so lucky, I left so lucky and yet so plagued at the same time.
    Something terrible had happened and I had to face it. The high of the sea air would not last long. High’s like that never do.

    So, I am a little sensitive right now (and not in the good way – sorry, Jay has a … dirty mind at times, if you hadn’t gotten that from my blog by now) to anything career and romance based, as this trip away from the sea and towards the city also meant a return to the darkness that had become the relationship I had with the man driving the car up HWY 1. The Great Ocean Road of the US.

    “I have this sense of entitlement for things I didn’t work for and simultaneously feel I don’t deserve what I have

    I don’t wanna die, I don’t want to live being me”

    I cannot believe I actually wrote this. still half asleep I guess we are more astute to “self” than in the light of day. It is true. I am torn between these things. The inner battle of feeling “deserving” and “unworthy” at the same time. Weird right?

    And me. Life. I am difficult. I think to much, I see things (like.. the “i” thing), I am unique and it has made my life harder. Living as me is hard. But I think, I think I would not give it up. I just hope it doesn’t all go to waste!

    Reply
  11. The inner battle of feeling “deserving” and “unworthy” at the same time. Weird right?

    Wrong! – i understand it, maybe even feel it personally but i am quite sure it is a far more common feeling than you seem to think.

    And me. Life. I am difficult. I think to much, I see things (like.. the “i” thing), I am unique and it has made my life harder. Living as me is hard. But I think, I think I would not give it up. I just hope it doesn’t all go to waste!

    Sounds like something i have thought about me/life many many times in the past – but am ‘getting over’.

    As for the die/not living as me thing:

    it is my strong personal belief that ALL evil is the creation of the I (upper-case) – the voice inside me that measures and compares everything to itself, that sees itself as the highest Authority in my life – the thing that drives some insane or splits the mind into schizophrenic personalities because it cannot ‘cope’ when life does what it does and we cannot control it as we (I) thinks we should.

    My ‘solution’ is to give that Authority over our life back to the One who created us/I/i.

    To learn how to surrender our own will over to someone we can Trust/Have Perfect Infallible Unfailing Faith in that they will do for us what is BEST for us, not what the I thinks is best for it.

    As the Christians Hebrews?) say: Thy Will not my will be done.

    It’s not the same things as ‘giving up’ or not caring about the self – it is recognising a True hierarchy in all life, not just mine or human but all life, and giving supreme command over to that which is Perfect while we take on the role of a faithful second-in-command of our own lives.

    In this way we learn to live with the Main Plan and our life will conform to ‘The Flow’ and not be constantly struggling against it where sometimes we get small personal victories and sometimes we get disasters.

    His Plan may not always seem to be ‘fair’ or make sense, but when has life ever done that for you – or me – or anyone?

    I believe by having faith and seeking Him and following His way over our own choices He will provide a full and satisfying life for His Creations that He did not design to be sad, unworthy or imperfect.

    It is the I that mostly causes those things in us and our pride that prevents us from ever seeing it that way. That is why we are required to learn Humility and to Serve Him to His Greater Glory.

    Hows that for some fancy -shmancy prachin? Can i get an A-Men!?

    May you be blessed.

    Reply
  1. The Beautiful Road To An Ugly Reality | I Am An After School Special

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