SO? You think you’re ready to have kids?

(This one is for the younger readers out there who yet to have the joy of pregnancy and childraising!)

Are you ready to have kids?

Mothers preparation for pregnancy:

  1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
  2. Leave it there.
  3. After nine months, remove 5% of the beans.

Financial preparation for pregnancy:

  1. Go to the local chemist.
  2. Tip the contents of your wallet on to the counter and tell the Pharmacist to help himself.
  3. Go to the supermarket.
  4. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to its head office.
  5. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Knowledge Test:

  1. Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline.
  2. Berate them about lack of patience.
  3. Advise them  on their appallingly low tolerance levels
  4. Point out how they allow their children to run wild.
  5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.
  6. Enjoy it the feeling… It will be the last time in your life when you have all the answers.

Endurance Test – Sleep deprivation:

  1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing 4-6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
  2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
  3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
  4. Set the alarm for 3am. As you can’t get back to sleep,
  5. Get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
  6. Go to bed at 2:45am.
  7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
  8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
  9. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5-7 years and LOOK CHEERFUL.

Puzzle solving Test – Dressing a baby:

Time allowed: 5 minutes.

  1. Buy a real life octopus and string bag with holes in it.
  2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no tentacles come out of the holes.

Acceptance Test 1 – Cars:

  1. Forget the BMW.
  2. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
  3. Buy a chocolate ice-cream cone and put it in the glovebox. After a week open the glove box and smear the contents over the floor.
  4. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
  5. Take a box of chocolate biscuits. Mash them into the back seat.
  6. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
  7. Now accept that the car is no longer your prized possession it is only a method of getting from a to b.

Acceptance Test 2 –  Mess:

  1. Hollow out a watermelon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side. Get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane. Continue until half the flakes are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure most of it falls on the floor.
  2. Smear peanut butter on to the sofa and
  3. Smear jam on the curtains.
  4. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
  5. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds, then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon.
  6. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house on to the floor.
  7. Drag random items from one room to another and leave them there.
  8. Now go to bed and sleep as parents have to accept sleep is more important then a clean house.

Distraction Test –  Driving:

  1. Make a recording of someone shouting ‘mummy’ repeatedly. Important notes: there must not be more than a four second delay between each ‘mummy’, and include occasional crescendos to the level of a supersonic jet.
  2. Buy a tennis ball launcher fill it with random objects and place it on the back seat of your car.
  3. Play this tape and turn on the launcher in your car everywhere you go for 4-5 years.

Pressure Test 1 –  Going for a walk:

  1. Wait at the front door.
  2. Go out the front door.
  3. Come back in again.
  4. Go out the front door.
  5. Come back in again.
  6. Go out the front door again.
  7. Walk down the front path.
  8. Walk back up it.
  9. Walk down the front path again.
  10. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop and inspect every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
  11. Retrace your steps.
  12. Count to ten in your head as you breath deeply as you remove the dirty tissue from your mouth that you just put there…
  13. Go back inside the house.

Pressure Test 2 – Getting ready for work:

  1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
  2. Put on your finest work attire.
  3. Take a cup of cream and put one cup of lemon juice in it.
  4. Stir. Dump half of it on your nice shirt.
  5. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture.
  6. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel.
  7. Don’t change (you have no time).
  8. Go directly to work.

Do these things without being checked into a mental health facility and you are ready for parenting.

( From Kate at

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1 Comment

  1. Love this hahaha!


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