Robert Burns, My Apologies.

Inspiration comes… and goes, it would seem…?single-red-rose

I was just trawling through my ‘Think’ folder, the one where i keep thoughts and other things i find of interest for posterity, and read this:

 

My luve is like a red, red rose

That in a central courtyard grows.

Surrounded by four walls of stone,

The hands that built those walls, my own.

 


Protected from the bitter wind

Of other luve’s of those who’ve sinned.

Yet still more deadly is the sin

Formed from my fear that blows within.

 


Stretching out up to the azure skies

To reach for freedom that up there lies.

My luve, that be planted within the ground,

Desires not the walls in which it’s found.

 


But instead doth search for the wide-open space

That’s Illumined with the Light of Grace.

And lest it, over-reaching, would die

Perhaps with a roof i’ll block the sky.

 


As i kept my luve thus safe inside,

With all my fearful care – it died.

 

Pretty good work that, i thought… “I wonder who wrote it?”

Turns out after a little investigation…. it was me!!!

 

I must have read Scot poet Robbie Burns’ Red, Red Rose and been inspired to far greater heights than usual as it seems i wrote this quite quickly after waking from a midnight slumber!

 

Maybe there’s some kind of hope for me yet? If my memory hangs in here long enough 😉

A Brave New World

Have been thinking of a post to write… thanks to a little ‘insight’ that came to me over the weekend…  How differently would we behave to other people if we saw them simply as another ‘version’ of us?
 
What if the ‘thing’ that thinks, our conscious self – the ‘voice’ in our head, the thing that is what we hold to be our values, our emotions, our true inner ‘self’ that we believe is unique to each one of us… What if that is really the self-same thing (or an identical ‘clone’) in each one of us? What if the reason why everyone seems different is not that we are different people, but that we are the same person having different experiences in differing situations and we see them as a different body somehow ‘outside’ of what we think of is ‘us/me’? That somehow the 7 billion plus humans all living at the same time are all just one person in 7 billion different positions somehow able to see the others as seperate and in a simultaneous time to us?
 
What if we saw that bearded man with a headscarf in Afghanistan as me but having been raised in that place and time and body, or that girl in Ethiopia with legs like matchsticks and a round empty belly as me but raised in that place and time? Would we then behave differently to people? Would we value them more – have sympathy for them – understand them and their ‘need’? Believe they had or were something of extreme value and not dismiss them as ‘terrorist’ or ‘famine victim’?
 
What if we saw George W Bush as us, just born in a different place and time to where we remember? Or Barack Obama or Adolf Hitler? Or Paris Hilton or Justin Beiber or Lee Harvey Oswald?
 
We all  believe that we are so much ‘better’ than some fellow human beings were and perhaps we think we are less or worse than others, that we would never ever do what some of us did or could manage to do what some have achieved… But would we, given the same circumstances? What real difference is there inside any single one of us?  Other than how we were raised and grew to feel?
 
Would the world be a better or worse place if all of us knew that inside we are but One and it is only due to circumstance that we look at times (mostly from a great distance or if we get TOO ‘close’) to be so very foreign, alien, inhumane – different?
 
Could Humanity on this planet take one giant step forward and all think like that? Would we then be able to be more tolerant, more caring, more understanding of what we all see as ‘them’  ‘out there’ if we constantly remember that, deep down, they are actually just like us ‘in here’.
 
Would we choose to go to war with ourself? Still want to kill ourself? Still invalidate or hold to a lower standard our self’s right to live as they choose?
 
I’d like to think not.
 

Hope I die before I get old

Hope i die before i get old!

Sung, i believe, by Roger Daltrey of The Who.

 

I’d prefer the line be:     Hope i get Wise before i die!

I’ll Drink To That!

I think this video speaks for itself – beautifully!

I hope you all enjoy…

 

You can see more of Robert here

SO? You think you’re ready to have kids?

(This one is for the younger readers out there who yet to have the joy of pregnancy and childraising!)

Are you ready to have kids?

Mothers preparation for pregnancy:

  1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
  2. Leave it there.
  3. After nine months, remove 5% of the beans.

Financial preparation for pregnancy:

  1. Go to the local chemist.
  2. Tip the contents of your wallet on to the counter and tell the Pharmacist to help himself.
  3. Go to the supermarket.
  4. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to its head office.
  5. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Knowledge Test:

  1. Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline.
  2. Berate them about lack of patience.
  3. Advise them  on their appallingly low tolerance levels
  4. Point out how they allow their children to run wild.
  5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.
  6. Enjoy it the feeling… It will be the last time in your life when you have all the answers.

Endurance Test – Sleep deprivation:

  1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing 4-6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
  2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
  3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
  4. Set the alarm for 3am. As you can’t get back to sleep,
  5. Get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
  6. Go to bed at 2:45am.
  7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
  8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
  9. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5-7 years and LOOK CHEERFUL.

Puzzle solving Test – Dressing a baby:

Time allowed: 5 minutes.

  1. Buy a real life octopus and string bag with holes in it.
  2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no tentacles come out of the holes.

Acceptance Test 1 – Cars:

  1. Forget the BMW.
  2. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
  3. Buy a chocolate ice-cream cone and put it in the glovebox. After a week open the glove box and smear the contents over the floor.
  4. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
  5. Take a box of chocolate biscuits. Mash them into the back seat.
  6. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
  7. Now accept that the car is no longer your prized possession it is only a method of getting from a to b.

Acceptance Test 2 –  Mess:

  1. Hollow out a watermelon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side. Get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane. Continue until half the flakes are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure most of it falls on the floor.
  2. Smear peanut butter on to the sofa and
  3. Smear jam on the curtains.
  4. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
  5. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds, then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon.
  6. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house on to the floor.
  7. Drag random items from one room to another and leave them there.
  8. Now go to bed and sleep as parents have to accept sleep is more important then a clean house.

Distraction Test –  Driving:

  1. Make a recording of someone shouting ‘mummy’ repeatedly. Important notes: there must not be more than a four second delay between each ‘mummy’, and include occasional crescendos to the level of a supersonic jet.
  2. Buy a tennis ball launcher fill it with random objects and place it on the back seat of your car.
  3. Play this tape and turn on the launcher in your car everywhere you go for 4-5 years.

Pressure Test 1 –  Going for a walk:

  1. Wait at the front door.
  2. Go out the front door.
  3. Come back in again.
  4. Go out the front door.
  5. Come back in again.
  6. Go out the front door again.
  7. Walk down the front path.
  8. Walk back up it.
  9. Walk down the front path again.
  10. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop and inspect every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
  11. Retrace your steps.
  12. Count to ten in your head as you breath deeply as you remove the dirty tissue from your mouth that you just put there…
  13. Go back inside the house.

Pressure Test 2 – Getting ready for work:

  1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
  2. Put on your finest work attire.
  3. Take a cup of cream and put one cup of lemon juice in it.
  4. Stir. Dump half of it on your nice shirt.
  5. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture.
  6. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel.
  7. Don’t change (you have no time).
  8. Go directly to work.

Do these things without being checked into a mental health facility and you are ready for parenting.

( From Kate at opinionspaid.com)

Laughter is the best medicine…

…so they say.

Mind you you would have to be really sick ( like me)  to get laughs out of this lot.

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I’ve had a really bad week, and to top it off i have to attend my Mother’s Cremation this weekend….

Or as she puts it:  Sunday Lunch!

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My Wife treats me as a GOD!

– Every evening she places a plate of burnt offerings in front of me.

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I discovered i have a fear of Giants..

it’s called Fee-Fi-Fo-bia!

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As a child i once had a really bad experience with a Portrait Photographer…

even today i still suffer from flashbacks.

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Fear is a little dark room… where negatives are developed.

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I used to have a fear of hurdles.. But i got over it.

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My Doctor thinks i’m paranoid…

he won’t say it – but i can tell that’s what he’s thinking.

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If you REALLY want to get to know a paranoid better, just follow him around all day.

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I’m not homophobic…

I LOVE my Home.

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I was in a restaurant the other day when WHACK! – a prawn cocktail socks me square in the back of my head.

I turn around and there’s this massive big guy staring at me and he says: “That’s just for starters!”

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I used to play in a band. We were called Prevention – Some said we were better than The Cure.

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I tried to set up a Buddy Holy Tribute website – it got a few hits then it crashed.

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You have to be really careful on the internet these days, some people will try anything…

If you get an email saying ‘Two Free Tickets to see James Blunt”  DO NOT OPEN IT! –

There’s a chance it might contain two tickets to see James Blunt!

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Who is your favourite living Beatle?

For Ringo , press the Richard Starkey Now!

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Amy Winehouse; Jim Morrison; Kurt Cobain; Janis Joplin: Brian Jones and Jimi Hendrix – all dead at age 27

In 2021 Justin Bieber turns 27 – just be patient.

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I think i bought Bonnie Tyler’s old car on e-bay…

Every Now And Then It Falls Apart.

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I spent nearly the whole day in the music store looking for one U2 album …

But I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.

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What’s the difference between a terrorist and a viola player?

The terrorist can have sympathisers.

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What’s the musical definition of Perfect Pitch?

Throwing a viola into a dumpster from 30 yards without hitting the rim.

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What;s the difference between a Viola and a coffin?

The coffin has the dead person on the inside.

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Cogito Ergo Spud – i think, therefore i Yam.

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Have you heard of an Australian Kiss? – It’s kinda like a French Kiss but from Down Under.

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The definition of an Australian Gentleman is someone who offers to light his girlfiend’s farts before lighting his own.

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When Australia got it’s first female Prime Minister in 2010 many predicted that the Australian economy would soon crash…

most likely by running into the back of the economy in front.

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“Oh!, I Do Like To Be Beside The Seaside…”

… ‘specially when we’re lucky enough to have Art out in the open… ( Besides the unsurpassed works of Art God made that i can usually spot on the beach or in the surf!)

1 Hope… 1 Dream…

The phrase just sprung into my central railway station mind this morning and i thought it might make for an interesting post….

 

One Hope,… One Dream.

 

I believe all humans have at least one of both sometime throughout their lives, some great, some lesser but that few, if any, ever end up becoming a reality, which is i believe quite sad.

So i think the best way we can help make a dream come true or have Hope fulfilled is if we DO some things…

… and the first thing we should do?

WRITE THEM DOWN!  (as simply and as clearly ( and importantly – non-judgmentally) as we can).

 

So – go grab a pen or pencil  or open up a new notepad file or word program and take a little time for contemplative thought.. then write down..” I hope  ( that/for/i…whatever)” and something you REALLY do Hope for or hope will happen, one day.

It can be anything you chose, great or small, personal or all-inclusive… World peace?… a new pair of shoes,… that my next child will be a boy/girl.. that i win the first prize in a jackpot lottery… That Jesus returns to earth next week – whatever YOU want and can have Hope for. But make it the one hope you want to come true for you most at this time.

Then after you have done that, write down: “My Dream is that….” and write down something you Dream of coming True for you. This can be related to or perhaps even the same thing as your Hope, although if you were given two free wishes by a genie would you wish for the same thing twice? i doubt it.

It does not mater how ‘realistic’ the idea is – it should make no difference if you can ‘see’ it happening or never happening… this is a Dream after all and dreams seldom bear much resemblance to our day to day ‘reality’.

This is a Dream with no restraints at all – anything you like/want/need; it is yours and not anyone else’s to dream about.

The second thing we should do…

So now you have a piece of paper or a file or whatever with two things ( in as much detail as you like.. too much may get too confusing for you to ‘remember’ and too little may not be ‘specific’ enough… make them both ‘just right’ and not subject to ambiguity… YOU have to know what they mean exactly. ( more or less 😉 )

You don’t have to be ‘tied’ down to this – you are free to change your mind as you see fit but give them a little thought and try to have some staying power and not change your mind too often – if something is really worth dreaming of or hoping for it is worth sticking with for more than a week – yes?

Now… simply hold one in your mind for a few moments of quiet uninterrupted contemplation, take a short break – get up move around do something, then come back to the file paper and do the same for the other thing…

The third thing we should do is…

Then just repeat often. Whenever you have a few minutes doing nothing ( ad break on TV, waiting in a cue, sitting in a car, on a bus, over a coffee, whatever!) just look at each one in turn and contemplate, maybe even begin to visualise a few things.

Want to know the real reason why we mostly never seem to get what we want in life…

Two Words…

Inconsistency! Negativity! – strangely enough both of these are SOLELY controlled by us and us alone. it is entirely within our own power to have control over both those things in our life. Did anyone ever teach you that at school? I wonder why that was?

 

One Hope…. One Dream….

May you make yours come true.

If you wish for a little help consistency-wise, feel free to write down your dreams in the comments section – no judgements here! 🙂

Moral of the Story?

Women are evil

 

Now as some of you might already know, i love logic and reason.

I also love humour.

So, it is not without a little sadness i point out the following:

What is shown above is a load!

Point 1. Time and money NEVER equals time TIMES money when time equals money for any other case than both time and money equaling 2!?? Hence Proof is flawed. (Unless – both time and money can somehow be limited to only ever holding the value +2).

Point 2. Woman does not equal time and money. Going out with some women can COST you either time, or money, or both but this is by no means a 100% equality. Hence the proof is doubly flawed.

Point 3. Similarly, time is by no means an equality with money. i can count time till the cows come home and will not add one cent to my bank account. My time is only worth what someone else is prepared to pay me for it – That figure currently standing at zero dollars, ergo equality not proven, therefore the proof is triply flawed.

Point 4. By reason of point 3 the third line is similarly unfounded in fact. Proof remains triply flawed.

Point 5. Fallacious assertion: it is not money that is evil. Money has no intrinsic propensity to perform either good or evil acts. The correct quote is the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Hence the proof is quadruply flawed.

Point 6. While the conclusion would be mathematically true assuming the preceding line was in the least bit accurate, we have conclusively demonstrated – it is, in fact,  a load of crock.

Which is a pity ‘cos it looked really funny.

What this proves beyond all reasonable doubt is:

People are as crap at producing perfectly rational logic and proofs as they are at making religion work flawlessly! if you want to throw one out you should throw both out as a way of producing reliable results while imperfect beings (such as humanity has proven itself so far to be) are (ab)using them. :-)

 

 

 

 

The Fundamental Nature of The Universal Moral Law…

Calvin and Hobbes

Copyright  B Watterson